Transitions to Kindergarten: Big feelings before moving on!

My son (will be 6 in July) has been showing strange behaviors like peeing on the carpet when he is angry. I think he has high anxiety; he eats his nails and chews on everything so hard. His anger and anxiety are much more extreme lately over the last month. He always had a habit of putting EVERYTHING in his mouth. He started to bite his nails right after his sister was born for a year. He stopped after a year with a reward system and he started again recently.

No problem at all at school, he is moving to Kindergarten in the fall. He is nice and kind to others and rational. He is respectful to his teachers and listens. He is very popular and everybody wants to play with him. He is extremely talented in sports and plays all day long. He is super energetic and active.

I know he is doing all these to get attention but we do give him all the attention we can. I have been getting help from different child psychologists, going to lectures and etc. Nothing works!

This is usually the time of the year when children transitioning from pre-k to K start worrying about the transition and this might be the reason for his anxiety and why he is sowing these behaviors. The end of the year is approaching; teachers are probably talking more about it. He knows a big change is coming. He is anxious about it (the same way he was when her sister was born). Since he is very popular and everybody wants to play with him, the idea of going to a new school where he doesn't know anybody can be scary. It's like going to a party where you don't know anybody. He just can’t  verbalize it yet.

Also, it is not uncommon for children to let it all out at home after a long day at school of keeping it together. It is hard I know. 

How you can support him:

1) Talk to him and tell him you have noticed that sometimes when he is nervous he is biting his nails so you got him a special box with some things that can help at those moments. That way he can start to recognize it and have a different outlet for it. I call it a relaxation box: Fill a box with relaxing activities chosen by him and create a relaxation center somewhere in your home. You might include music, coloring books, fidget toys, a mini sandbox, clay, books, and stuffed animals. If you notice him biting his nails you can tell him, "You are biting your nails, let's use the box so your nails don't hurt afterward" (this way you are giving him an internal motivation not to bite his nails and giving him a healthy outlet for his feelings).

2) Tell him when he is calm that whenever he feels worried he can tell you about it. If you are not around he can make a picture and give it to you. Later when you have the time you can sit with him and write about it, if he feels like it. Just ask questions and instead of telling him not to worry try to say: "I know that can be worrisome sometimes". You want to create a space where he can share anything with you.

3) Share stories of situations when you went to school for the first time or did not know anybody at a place. Share how asking for people's names or sitting next to somebody helped you make a friend. Books are also a great resource:

https://copingskillsforkids.com/blog/9-books-to-help-kids-deal-with-anger

4) A couple of weeks before starting kindergarten, ask him if he has any questions about his new school; if he hasn’t brought it up before. More than getting him excited about the new school, your role is to support him in the process. If he doesn't have anything to say about it you can tell him that the new school will have things that are similar to his preschool and others that will be different. The teacher will be there to help him.

  

Here is the mom’s response after a few weeks of our consultation. While not everything was solved in a week what I enjoyed the most was seeing how this mom's perspective changed. By doing that, she found new ways to support his son not only in difficult situations but throughout his day. 

I used some of your strategies and I think things are much better. He still bites his nails. I was just thinking about everything that’s going on in our lives. He has a lot more anxiety and stress than just transition to kindergarten. We are actively looking to buy a new house and talk about different options at home.

He will go to our home school but that could change if we move and that discussion comes up every time we put an offer on a house or we see a house we like. I can’t even get him excited about our home school now because we might move. Also, we won’t keep our current nanny whom he is very close to if we move and he knows that. So all these unknowns are adding to his anxiety.

Since we realized that, we decided not to talk about houses or schools too much in front of him. Also, I’m taking it very easy on his eating habits, which has been always an issue with him. He is a very picky and difficult eater. I’m starting to take it very easy on him knowing everything else that’s going on in his life right now. So I think doing these 2 things have helped him calm down a little as well as the tools you gave me to use.

I asked him about nail-biting and he said he is not doing that because he is stressed but I think he is just saying that!

Thanks for all your help!

  

As we align our thoughts, our words and our actions everything starts falling into place, even when you don't see results right away. Change takes time and comes with different kinds of feelings. Take a deep breath. You have everything you need to handle this situation! 

To trust or not to trust

Most humans have a natural disposition to trust and to judge trustworthiness that can be traced to the neurobiological structure and activity of a human brain. However, on a day to day basis, it's not that simple. This disposition is not always there. Why? Because every experience you've had feeds into this decision process of trusting or not trusting someone in a given situation. Yes, trust is a decision. 

How do we decide then to trust or not to trust children? What part does our past experiences play in that decision process? How often do our fears interfere in trusting children and allowing them to trust themselves?  I say, all the time; more than it should. 

Do we see children as trustworthy individuals or helpless beings that need to be rescued? How do we expect them to trust their own instincts if we don't let them test them? The way we perceive children is reflected in everyday moments such as a visit to the local park. This great article from the blog Core Parenting explains how a mother decides to trust her children by letting them climb at their own pace and regulate their own bodies allowing them to try something new and to set their own limits. "Success doesn’t always mean making it to the top." Don't miss it, It's a great read. http://coreparentingpdx.com/2012/trust-me-trust-you/  

Trust is a universal topic. It is relevant to children, mothers, businessmen, and leaders of all paths of life. The more I work in the world of early childhood education the more I find how similar it is to the business world, a world I vastly explored as marketing and business consultant in my past life (as I like to call it). People are often surprised when they hear this idea.   It is believed that the world of children is so different from the "real" world, and it isn't. It is the same reality seen from a different perspective. Let see an example.  

How do organizations build trust? There are many approaches and theories that have been written. Here is an excerpt from an article from Inc Magazine about the topic:

"So how can you implement a strategy to build a trust culture in your workplace? It's ideal if it starts at the top of an organization, but that's not always necessary..., but the simplest approach is a three-tiered commitment to a few core trust principles:

Capability trust, or allowing people to make decisions, involving them in discussions, and trusting that their opinions and input will be useful.

Contractual trust, or being consistent in terms of keeping agreements and managing expectations.

Communication trust, or sharing information, providing constructive feedback and speaking with good purpose about people.

As noted American writer and journalist Ernest Hemingway famously said, "the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." If your trust is abandoned, then you know the answer, but until then, give them the benefit of your trust."

Now tell me, which part doesn't apply to adult-children relationships? Surprised? Let's continue. 

Another article, Trust Rules, summarizes Dr. Duane C. Tway, Jr. dissertation, A Construct of Trust. Tway proposes and interesting concept: The Three Constructs of Trust.

"Tway defines trust as, "the state of readiness for unguarded interaction with someone or something." He developed a model of trust that includes three components. He calls trust a construct because it is "constructed" of these three components: "the capacity for trusting, the perception of competence, and the perception of intentions."

Thinking about trust as made up of the interaction and existence of these three components makes trust easier to understand. 

The capacity for trusting means that your total life experiences have developed your current capacity and willingness to risk trusting others.

The perception of competence is made up of your perception of your ability and the ability of others with whom you work to perform competently at whatever is needed in your current situation. 

The perception of intentions, as defined by Tway, is your perception that the actions, words, direction, mission, or decisions are motivated by mutually-serving rather than self-serving motives."

From my point of view, the core principles and the three constructs of trust are as applicable in the workplace as they are in family life or any adult-children relationship. Am I capable to trust a children climbing in the park?  Can I trust them? Do I perceive them as competent in measuring their own limits and their ability to manage their own bodies? How do I perceive their actions and intentions? Am I making a decision based on safety or excessive protection and untrustworthiness due to my own fears or a non related past experience or belief? 

These core trust principles and constructs allow us to perform a reality check. They are a tool to monitor our thoughts and fears and allow us to make a clear judgement of any situation when making the decision to trust or not to trust, in a business setting or at the park. 

Even though I wrote this post a few years ago it is still relevant. If you want to here more about trust and other important principles of parenting  sign up for a 2 hour workshop on https://consciouswords.eventbrite.com

Best job description ever

Dad asks Olivia: "What does Cristina do?"
Olivia: "She helps people."

The Little Boy by Helen Buckley

Once a little boy went to school.
He was quite a little boy
And it was quite a big school.
But when the little boy
Found that he could go to his room
By walking right in from the door outside
He was happy;
And the school did not seem
Quite so big anymore.

One morning
When the little boy had been in school awhile,
The teacher said:"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
He liked to make all kinds;
Lions and tigers,
Chickens and cows,
Trains and boats;
And he took out his box of crayons
And began to draw.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make flowers."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make beautiful ones
With his pink and orange and blue crayons.
But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And it was red, with a green stem.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin.

"The little boy looked at his teacher's flower
Then he looked at his own flower.
He liked his flower better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just turned his paper over,
And made a flower like the teacher's.
It was red, with a green stem.

On another day
When the little boy had opened
The door from the outside all by himself,
The teacher said:"Today we are going to make something with clay."
"Good!" thought the little boy;
He liked clay.
He could make all kinds of things with clay:
Snakes and snowmen,
Elephants and mice,
Cars and trucks
And he began to pull and pinch
His ball of clay.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make a dish."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make dishes.
And he began to make some
That were all shapes and sizes.

But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And she showed everyone how to make
One deep dish.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at the teacher's dish;
Then he looked at his own.
He liked his better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just rolled his clay into a big ball again
And made a dish like the teacher's.
It was a deep dish.

And pretty soon
The little boy learned to wait,
And to watch
And to make things just like the teacher.
And pretty soon
He didn't make things of his own anymore.

Then it happened
That the little boy and his family
Moved to another house,
In another city,
And the little boy
Had to go to another school.
This school was even bigger
Than the other one.
And there was no door from the outside
Into his room.
He had to go up some big steps
And walk down a long hall
To get to his room.
And the very first day
He was there,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
And he waited for the teacher
To tell what to do.
But the teacher didn't say anything.
She just walked around the room.

When she came to the little boy
She asked, "Don't you want to make a picture?"
"Yes," said the little boy.
"What are we going to make?"
"I don't know until you make it,"
said the teacher.
"How shall I make it?" asked the little boy.
"Why, anyway you like," said the teacher.
"And any color?" asked the little boy.
"Any color," said the teacher.
"If everyone made the same picture,
And used the same colors,
How would I know who made what,
And which was which?"
"I don't know," said the little boy.
And he began to make pink and orange and blue flowers.

He liked his new school,
Even if it didn't have a door
Right in from the outside!

The broken sandwich

M cries after opening his lunch box. I sit next to him and ask him: "What happened?” He says, while crying inconsolably: “My sandwich is broken”.

His mom cuts the sandwich in 4 different pieces and 2 parts where falling apart. I ask him: “What do you want to do about it?” He cries “Fix it”. I ask: How do we fix it?” His crying starts to go away and he puts one piece together. He asks me “What about this piece?” The second piece did not have a top because it was attached to another piece. So I separate the pieces and put it on top. He looks at the sandwich for a second and then cleans his tears with his sleeve and starts to eat. After a second, I ask him “So, what do we do when our sandwich is broken?” He smiles and says: “We fix it”.

It was easier for me to fix the sandwich but I will not have taught him anything. I can see how he felt empowered afterwards. I was just a guide in the process. It also made me think about situations in life. We sometimes focus too much on the problem and the feelings instead of looking for solutions. Only when WE find the solution, we feel we are in control of the situation and not the other way around.

A rainy day

I asked "O": "Where is all this water coming from?” He said: "From up there". So I asked. "I wonder how the water gets up there". He said "It jumps." Another kid said: "It lives up there". A girl next to them said. “It goes up and down.”
“M” was inside putting his rain coat and when he came out he said: "It stopped" So I asked “Why does it stop?” He said: "The cloud makes it stop."