Lead by Example

People say babies only cry, sleep and poop. But if you intentionally observe them you notice they are really busy. They discover the world and they are immersed in a very intense social study. They watch the light coming through the blinds. They delight looking at the leafs in the tree moved by the wind. They learn by example, it is proven. Our brains are powered by mirror neurons.

"A mirror neuron is a neuron that fires both when an animal acts and when the animal observes the same action performed by another. Thus, the neuron "mirrors" the behavior of the other, as though the observer."

They watch us make faces.  They listen to us talking to strangers and they watch us using out phones and computers...all day. I've heard many people say children are born tech savvy in this generation. My theory is they are born in a world with tech-savvy parents and adults, that is why they are so skilled at it.

If you want your kids to spend more time off the screen start yourself. It's easier said than done.

"Whether a child is 8 months old or 2 or 7, we need to teach children how to process things, make transitions, comfort themselves, deal with feelings and shift gears. We are becoming more and more reliant on computers, whether it’s a game or book, to function for kids in that way. "

Here is the full article about screen time recently published in the Washington Post
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/08/06/parents-are-the-ones-who-need-limits-on-screen-time/

Kinds of Thinkers

I love finding articles that are relevant to the business world, the classroom and/or life at home. Even though we often regard these worlds as different and separate, they are more alike than we think. Working with small groups of children - ages 2 to 5 - I often found the conversations resembled those in the boardroom or business meetings I used to attend in my past life in the corporate world or as a business consultant. Leadership is about understanding ideas and group dynamics. Whether you are a manager, a teacher or a parent; understanding how others think is an important tool to relate and work with others.
In the same way that the theory of Multiple Intelligences developed in 1983 by Dr. Howard Gardner helps us understand a child strengths and weaknesses; this article by Mark Bonchek and Elisa Steele at the Harvard Business Review website helps us identify what type of thinkers children might be. Understanding how others thinking is similar or different from ours empowers us to collaborate more successfully with children or adults.

"For example, on the big picture or macro orientation:

• Explorer thinking is about generating creative ideas.
• Planner thinking is about designing effective systems.
• Energizer thinking is about mobilizing people into action.
• Connector thinking is about building and strengthening relationships.

Across the micro or detail orientation:

• Expert thinking is about achieving objectivity and insight.
• Optimizer thinking is about improving productivity and efficiency.
• Producer thinking is about achieving completion and momentum.
• Coach thinking is about cultivating people and potential.

When you know your thinking style, you know what naturally energizes you, why certain types of problems are challenging or boring, and what you can do to improve in areas that are important to reaching your goals."

For the full article visit https://hbr.org/2015/11/what-kind-of-thinker-are-you

Back to Basics: Don't forget to be human.

Great advice for teachers and parents...and non-parents!

"To be a caring person, though, an educator must first be a person. Many of us are inclined instead to hide behind the mannerisms of a constantly competent, smoothly controlling, crisply authoritative Teacher… To do so is to play a role, and even if the script calls for nurturance, this is not the same as being fully human with children. A real person sometimes gets flustered or distracted or tired, says things without thinking and later regrets them, maintains interests outside of teaching and doesn't mind discussing them. Also, a real person avoids distancing maneuvers such as referring to him or herself in the third person (as in: “Mr. Kohn has a special surprise for you today, boys and girls”).

Here, again, what initially looks like a common sense prescription reveals itself as challenging and even controversial. To be a person in front of kids is to be vulnerable, and vulnerability is not an easy posture for adults who themselves had to strike a self-protective pose when they were growing up. Moreover, to reach out to children and develop genuine, warm relationships with them may compromise one's ability to control them. Much of what is wrong with our schools can be traced back to the fact that when these two objectives clash, connection frequently gives way to control."

Alfie Kohn

Starting points when interacting with children: Challenging but rewarding work

"....What I’ve come to understand is that the most important work I do to see a child in positive ways is within me. I must continually work to transform my own view of children’s behaviors, see their points of view, and strive to uncover how what I am seeing reveal s the children’s deep desire, eagerness, and capacity for relationships. There is no more important or rewarding work than this."

Deb Courtis
"Seeing Children’s Eagerness for Relationships
Exchange Essential: Observing Children - Part II."

Teach Leadership: Maximize the return of the experience

The article Who can teach leadership? by the HBR published last week states that we learn to lead through the experience of leading and following. It is a great read where Gianpiero Petriglieri shares his experience as a professor of a leadership course for business professionals.

In a recent study "Jennifer Petriglieri, Jack Wood and Gianpiero Petriglieri found that working with professionals who espoused different perspectives and values helped managers question, and learn more deeply from, their own experience — building the personal foundations required to lead mindfully, effectively and responsibly. Whatever qualifications and work history a teacher (or a coach) may have, then, matters less than their ability to help you maximize your return on experience. Will your course, your teachers, your classmates, help you approach, examine and draw meaningful lessons from your experience past and present? Will they take your experience seriously without taking your conclusions literally? Will they challenge you to take a second look at things you usually take for granted, or rush over? Will they provoke you to articulate, broaden or revise the views you have of yourself, leading, and the world? Will you be open and committed to that work? These are the questions you should ask anytime you're enlisting someone to help you become a better leader."

Again, these are great practices to learn when you are getting an MBA. But, I am grateful to work at a preschool based on social costructivism that supports the learning of many of these practices at an early age. How would the world look like if we lead and follow from a young age? If we reflect of our own teaching/parenting and we focus our daily interactions on giving children different perspectives instead of the correct answer? If we challenge them to take a second look at things that we take for granted or rush to teach because that is what they are supposed to be learning right now?  Let's maximize the return on the experience on a day to day basis. Let's teach leadership.

Basic Skills: Pushed down curriculum in preschools vs. pushed up curriculum in business schools

For several years, early childhood experts have been promoting developmentally appropriate practices in response to the “escalated” or “pushed-down” curriculum. What is the pushed-down curriculum? In short, Preschool classes and kindergartens have begun to look more like traditional 1st grade classes were young children are expected to sit quietly while they listen a whole-class instruction filling in worksheets. Even though it is not developmentally appropriate, some parents favor this change with the idea to give their children a "head start" in life based on the belief that faster is better, at least academically speaking. “We worship speed,” says Jim Uphoff, a professor of education at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.  “That's an integral part of our beliefs.” 

But, what are the consequences of this nonsense race? The consequences are that the skills that were once taught in preschool, or the early years of life, are now being "pushed-up" to business school curriculums or executive training with the labels of leadership, strategy, negotiation and innovation. Lets see some examples from the latest issues of the Harvard Business Review; a magazine known as the "source of the best new ideas for people creating, leading, and transforming business":

The article Leadership is a conversation (June 2012) states "Smart leaders today, we have found, engage with employees in a way that resembles an ordinary person-to-person conversation more than it does a series of commands from on high. Furthermore, they initiate practices and foster cultural norms that instill a conversational sensibility throughout their organizations." This model is a complete opposite of what is modeled for children in the educational setting. Traditional teachers give to children "a series of commands from on high" and rearly foster conversations that go beyond having the right answer. Maybe that's why the art of conversation is now one of the most important topics in business schools and executive coaching programs. Go figure.

Also in June, the article Let your Ideas go was published. The premise is that an idea can only evolve being held with an open hand, that's how ideas grow bigger. The key is "openness, [which] changes everything when used. Openness is a stance — to share with, to collaborate, to distribute power to many. Openness is powerful, even catalytic. On a personal level, it not only allows us to share, but to co-create with speed. On an organizational level, it allows for more than collaboration, it enables communities. At a societal level, it is more than distributing power, and allowing for the shift from what is to what will be. It also allow for shared responsibility." Does the educational competitive model, focused on academics and having the right answer first, supports openness?  Not really. So, How do we teach and practice openness? By being open to others' ideas and by sharing ours. By listening to children's ideas and co-creating instead of competing with them. By showing the value and the possibilities of letting ideas go. Openness is an attitude and attitudes are developed over time. From my point of view, better start young.

Finally at the end of July, the article How leaders become self aware was published finding that "there is one quality that trumps all, evident in virtually every great entrepreneur, manager, and leader. That quality is self-awareness. The best thing leaders can [do] to improve their effectiveness is to become more aware of what motivates them and their decision-making." How can you know what motivates you when the expectations growing up are good grades on every subject in order to move to the next grade? Most of the goals or challenges during childhood are extrinsically motivated rather than intrinsically. Decisions are made by adults and informed to children expecting blindness obidience. It is not surprising that the majority of high school graduates have no idea which profession to pursue in a world they hardly know.  It is sad that self-awarness has become a rare quality that we start reading about and developing later in life.

Today's world is fast paced and often called the social era demanding more than ever the art of conversation, openness and self-awareness. Today, they might be a luxury. In the next decade, they will be basic skills needed from early on. In the past, information was power. Nowadays information is available for anyone. Critical thinking and consciousness will lead the way in the next century, if not this one. Isn't it time for the educational system and our teaching/parenting practices to catch up? I think so. Let’s stop pushing curriculums up and down and act today.  No matter what world you live in, preschool or the boardroom, let's focus on what's important.

Respect

To trust or not to trust

Most humans have a natural disposition to trust and to judge trustworthiness that can be traced to the neurobiological structure and activity of a human brain. However, on a day to day basis, it's not that simple. This disposition is not always there. Why? Because every experience you've had feeds into this decision process of trusting or not trusting someone in a given situation. Yes, trust is a decision. 

How do we decide then to trust or not to trust children? What part does our past experiences play in that decision process? How often do our fears interfere in trusting children and allowing them to trust themselves?  I say, all the time; more than it should. 

Do we see children as trustworthy individuals or helpless beings that need to be rescued? How do we expect them to trust their own instincts if we don't let them test them? The way we perceive children is reflected in everyday moments such as a visit to the local park. This great article from the blog Core Parenting explains how a mother decides to trust her children by letting them climb at their own pace and regulate their own bodies allowing them to try something new and to set their own limits. "Success doesn’t always mean making it to the top." Don't miss it, It's a great read. http://coreparentingpdx.com/2012/trust-me-trust-you/  

Trust is a universal topic. It is relevant to children, mothers, businessmen, and leaders of all paths of life. The more I work in the world of early childhood education the more I find how similar it is to the business world, a world I vastly explored as marketing and business consultant in my past life (as I like to call it). People are often surprised when they hear this idea.   It is believed that the world of children is so different from the "real" world, and it isn't. It is the same reality seen from a different perspective. Let see an example.  

How do organizations build trust? There are many approaches and theories that have been written. Here is an excerpt from an article from Inc Magazine about the topic:

"So how can you implement a strategy to build a trust culture in your workplace? It's ideal if it starts at the top of an organization, but that's not always necessary..., but the simplest approach is a three-tiered commitment to a few core trust principles:

Capability trust, or allowing people to make decisions, involving them in discussions, and trusting that their opinions and input will be useful.

Contractual trust, or being consistent in terms of keeping agreements and managing expectations.

Communication trust, or sharing information, providing constructive feedback and speaking with good purpose about people.

As noted American writer and journalist Ernest Hemingway famously said, "the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." If your trust is abandoned, then you know the answer, but until then, give them the benefit of your trust."

Now tell me, which part doesn't apply to adult-children relationships? Surprised? Let's continue. 

Another article, Trust Rules, summarizes Dr. Duane C. Tway, Jr. dissertation, A Construct of Trust. Tway proposes and interesting concept: The Three Constructs of Trust.

"Tway defines trust as, "the state of readiness for unguarded interaction with someone or something." He developed a model of trust that includes three components. He calls trust a construct because it is "constructed" of these three components: "the capacity for trusting, the perception of competence, and the perception of intentions."

Thinking about trust as made up of the interaction and existence of these three components makes trust easier to understand. 

The capacity for trusting means that your total life experiences have developed your current capacity and willingness to risk trusting others.

The perception of competence is made up of your perception of your ability and the ability of others with whom you work to perform competently at whatever is needed in your current situation. 

The perception of intentions, as defined by Tway, is your perception that the actions, words, direction, mission, or decisions are motivated by mutually-serving rather than self-serving motives."

From my point of view, the core principles and the three constructs of trust are as applicable in the workplace as they are in family life or any adult-children relationship. Am I capable to trust a children climbing in the park?  Can I trust them? Do I perceive them as competent in measuring their own limits and their ability to manage their own bodies? How do I perceive their actions and intentions? Am I making a decision based on safety or excessive protection and untrustworthiness due to my own fears or a non related past experience or belief? 

These core trust principles and constructs allow us to perform a reality check. They are a tool to monitor our thoughts and fears and allow us to make a clear judgement of any situation when making the decision to trust or not to trust, in a business setting or at the park. 

Even though I wrote this post a few years ago it is still relevant. If you want to here more about trust and other important principles of parenting  sign up for a 2 hour workshop on https://consciouswords.eventbrite.com

Thinking Routines

Here is an interesting set of questions to promote reasoning, understanding different perspectives, questioning and investigating. Even though these questions are part of the Artful Thinking approach developed by Harvard Project Zero in collaboration with the Traverse City, Michigan Area Public Schools (TCAPS) with the purpose of helping teachers use works of visual art and music in their curriculum in ways that strengthen student thinking and learning; they can be used in any exploration or in day to day conversations to deepen children's thinking.  

Reasoning-centered routines:

"WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?"

Interpretation with Justification Routine 

CLAIM / SUPPORT / QUESTION

A Reasoning Routine

Perspective taking-centered routines:

PERCEIVE/KNOW/CARE ABOUT

A routine for getting inside viewpoints 

Questioning & Investigating-centered routines:

 I SEE / I THINK / I WONDER

A routine for exploring works of art and other interesting things 

 THINK / PUZZLE / EXPLORE  

A routine that sets the stage for deeper inquiry 

 CREATIVE QUESTIONS

A routine for creating thought-provoking questions

Observing & describing-centered routines:

ELABORATION GAME  

A routine for careful observation and description

BEGINNING/MIDDLE/END

A routine for observing and imagining 

LISTENING: TEN TIMES TWO

A routine for observing and describing music

LOOKING: TEN TIMES TWO

A routine for observing and describing 

COLORS, SHAPES, LINES

A Routine for Exploring the Formal Qualities of Art

Comparing and Connecting-centered routines:

HEADLINES

A Routine for Capturing Essence

CONNECT / EXTEND / CHALLENGE

A routine for connecting new ideas to prior knowledge

CREATIVE COMPARISONS

A routine for creating metaphors

Stop saying GOOD JOB! The use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive.

Positive reinforcement is frequently used to modify children's, or adult's, behavior; probably because it works most of the time, at least in the short term. It is a strategy that works at the unconscious level since it is human to have the need to be accepted and valued by others. But it can also be detrimental in the long run as we condition our society to operate based on external motivations instead of intrinsic ones. 

I love this article by Alfie Kohn as it brings into our consciousness the dangers raising kids with praise and conditional love.

 

Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" By Alfie Kohn

Para leer este artículo en Español, haga clic aquí

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title "Hooked on Praise." For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here -- as well as a comprehensive list of citations to relevant research -- please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: "Good job!" Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation ("time out"). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you’ll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here's why.

1. Manipulating children. Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as "sugar-coated control." Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people.

The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies. To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done. Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we say, "I like the way you…." or "Good ______ing," the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Good job!" doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure. Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she’s learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we’re telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary -- especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development. Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, "Good job!" because I don’t want to dilute her joy. I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, "Was that good?"

4. Losing interest. "Good painting!" may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, "once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a "Good job!"

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement. As if it weren’t bad enough that "Good job!" can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, "Good job!" is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

Once you start to see praise for what it is – and what it does – these constant little evaluative eruptions from adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard. You begin to root for a child to give his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying (in the same saccharine tone of voice), "Good praising!"

Still, it’s not an easy habit to break. It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you’re being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it. Whenever that’s true, it’s time to rethink what we’re doing.

What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.

This point, you’ll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids "earn" it. But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. When unconditional support is present, "Good job!" isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, "Good job!" won’t help.

If we’re praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can’t really say the child is now "behaving himself"; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him. The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he’s acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey. (Instead of using "Good job!" to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it’s reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

We also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, "What do you think we can do to solve this problem?" will likely be more effective than bribes or threats. It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage. Tossing off a "Good job!" when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why "doing to" strategies are a lot more popular than "working with" strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life -- or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage.

Copyright © 2001 by Alfie Kohn. 

www.alfiekohn.org.

September 2001

THE DECLINE OF PLAY: leading to the rise of anxiety, depression, and problems of attention and self control.

An article in the most recent issue of the American Journal of Playdetails not only how much children's play time has declined, but how this lack of play affects emotional development, leading to the rise of anxiety, depression, and problems of attention and self control.

"Since about 1955 ... children's free play has been continually declining, at least partly because adults have exerted ever-increasing control over children's activities," says the author Peter Gray, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology (emeritus) at Boston College. Gray defines "free play" as play a child undertakes him- or her-self and which is self-directed and an end in itself, rather than part of some organized activity.

Gray describes this kind of unstructured, freely-chosen play as a testing ground for life. It provides critical life experiences without which young children cannot develop into confident and competent adults. Gray's article is meant to serve as a wake-up call regarding the effects of lost play, and he believes that lack of childhood free play time is a huge loss that must be addressed for the sake of our children and society.

WHO AND WHAT IS INTERFERING WITH CHILDREN'S PLAY?

Parents who hover over and intrude on their children's play are a big part of the problem, according to Gray. "It is hard to find groups of children outdoors at all, and, if you do find them, they are likely to be wearing uniforms and following the directions of coaches while their parents dutifully watch and cheer." He cites a study which assessed the way 6- to 8-year-olds spent their time in 1981 and again in 1997.

The researchers found that compared to 1981, children in 1997 spent less time in play and had less free time. They spent 18 percent more time at school, 145 percent more time doing school work, and 168 percent more time shopping with parents. The researchers found that, including computer play, children in 1997 spent only about eleven hours per week at play.

In another study, mothers were asked to compare their own memories of their playtime, to their children's current schedules. Eighty-five percent noted that their children played outdoors less frequently and for shorter periods of time than they had. The mothers noted that they restricted their own children's outdoor play because of safety concerns, a fact echoed in other surveys where parents mentioned child predators, road traffic, and bullies as reasons for restricting their children's outdoor play.

Adding to the problem, Gray notes, is our increasing emphasis on schooling and on adult-directed activities. Preschools and kindergartens have become more academically-oriented and many schools have even eliminated recess. It is not that anyone set out to do away with free play time. But its value has not been recognized. As a result, kids' free play time has not been protected.

FIVE WAYS PLAY BENEFITS KIDS

When children are in charge of their own play, it provides a foundation for their future mental health as older children and adults. Gray mentions five main benefits:

1. Play gives children a chance to find and develop a connection to their own self-identified and self-guided interests.

As they choose the activities that make up free play, kids learn to direct themselves and pursue and elaborate on their interests in a way that can sustain them throughout life. Gray notes that: "...in school, children work for grades and praise and in adult-directed sports, they work for praise and trophies.... In free play, children do what they want to do, and the learning and psychological growth that results are byproducts, not conscious goals of the activity."

2. It is through play that children first learn how to make decisions, solve problems, exert self control, and follow rules.

As children direct their own free play and solve the problems that come up, they must exert control over themselves and must, at times, accept restrictions on their own behavior and follow the rules if they want to be accepted and successful in the game.

As children negotiate both their physical and social environments through play, they can gain a sense of mastery over their world, Gray contends. It is this aspect of play that offers enormous psychological benefits, helping to protect children from anxiety and depression.

"Children who do not have the opportunity to control their own actions, to make and follow through on their own decisions, to solve their own problems, and to learn how to follow rules in the course of play grow up feeling that they are not in control of their own lives and fate. They grow up feeling that they are dependent on luck and on the goodwill and whims of others...."

Anxiety and depression often occur when an individual feels a lack of control over his or her own life. "Those who believe that they master their own fate are much less likely to become anxious or depressed than those who believe that they are victims of circumstances beyond their control." Gray believes that the loss of playtime lessons about one's ability to exert control over some life circumstances set the scene for anxiety and depression.

3. Children learn to handle their emotions, including anger and fear, during play.

In free play, children put themselves into both physically and socially challenging situations and learn to control the emotions that arise from these stressors. They role play, swing, slide, and climb trees ... and "such activities are fun to the degree that they are moderately frightening ... nobody but the child himself or herself knows the right dose."

Gray suggests that the reduced ability to regulate emotions may be a key factor in the development of some anxiety disorders. "Individuals suffering from anxiety disorders describe losing emotional control as one of their greatest fears. They are afraid of their own fear, and therefore small degrees of fear generated by mildly threatening situations lead to high degrees of fear generated by the person's fear of losing control." Adults who did not have the opportunity to experience and cope with moderately challenging emotional situations during play are more at risk for feeling anxious and overwhelmed by emotion-provoking situations in adult life.

4. Play helps children make friends and learn to get along with each other as equals.

Social play is a natural means of making friends and learning to treat one another fairly. Since play is voluntary and playmates may abandon the game at any time if they feel uncomfortable, children learn to be aware of their playmates' needs and attempt to meet them in order to maintain the play.

Gray believes that "learning to get along and cooperate with others as equals may be the most crucial evolutionary function of human social play ... and that social play is nature's means of teaching young humans that they are not special. Even those who are more skilled at the game's actions ... must consider the needs and wishes of the others as equal to their own, or else the others will exclude them." Gray cites increasing social isolation as a potential precursor to psychopathology and notes that the decline in play may be "both a consequence and a cause of the increased social isolation and loneliness in the culture."

5. Most importantly, play is a source of happiness.

When children are asked about the activities that bring them happiness, they say they are happier when playing with friends than in any other situation. Perhaps you felt this way when remembering your own childhood play experiences at the beginning of this article.

Gray sees the loss of play time as a double whammy: we have not only taken away the joys of free play, we have replaced them with emotionally stressful activities. "[A]s a society, we have come to the conclusion that to protect children from danger and to educate them, we must deprive them of the very activity that makes them happiest and place them for ever more hours in settings where they are more or less continually directed and evaluated by adults, setting almost designed to produce anxiety and depression."

THE LOSS OF PLAY AND RISE OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION

There has been a significant increase in anxiety and depression from 1950 to present day in teens and young adults and Gray cites several studies documenting this rise. One showed that five to eight times as many children and college students reported clinically significant depression or anxiety than 50 years ago and another documented a similar trend in the fourteen- to sixteen-year-old age group between 1948 and 1989.

Suicide rates quadrupled from 1950 to 2005 for children less than fifteen years and for teens and young adults ages 15-25, they doubled. Gray believes that the loss of unstructured, free play for play's sake is at the core of this alarming observation and that as a society, we should reassess the role of free play and the factors that seem to have all but eliminated it from our children's lives.

When parents realize the major role that free play can take in the development of emotionally healthy children and adults, they may wish to reassess the priorities ruling their children's lives. The competing needs for childcare, academic and athletic success, and children's safety are compelling. But perhaps parents can begin to identify small changes -- such as openings in the schedule, backing off from quite so many supervised activities, and possibly slightly less hovering on the playground that would start the pendulum returning to the direction of free, imaginative, kid-directed play.

http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/content/kids/art3463.html

Self-evaluation and construction of meaning are key to prepare the next generation to live in the 21st century

http://vimeo.com/7794243

Arthur Costa Interview http://vimeo.com/7794243 About this video: "Patrick Newell interviews Arthur Costa for the 21Foundation, at the 14th International Conference on Thinking (14th ICOT) in Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in June, 2009. Arthur Costa is Emeritus Professor at California State University, and Author of “Habits of Mind”. Drawing on his substantial experience as an educator, Costa speaks about self-evaluation, the construction of meaning and preparing for the 21st century."

UNDERSTANDING THE LANGUAGES OF FRIENDSHIP

 "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

Since the moment we are born we start building strong relationships with others creating a social network that supports us through life.  Early in life, connections with family take center stage but as we transition to school our experiences broaden. As we share spaces and time with unfamiliar individuals, we are no longer strangers. A community is born taking on a life on its own where people become free enough to share and secure enough to get along. Our social capital rises, but it does not stop there. A higher level of connectedness is then possible. It is a bond by choice not by chance.  It is a bond that can last a season or a lifetime: friendship.

How do we make friends? How do we connect with others on an emotional level that creates such a special bond? It requires being open and willing to experience a selfish act of love. According to Dr. Gary Chapman there are five main love languages:

• §  Words of Affirmation
• §  Quality Time
• §  Giving or Receiving Gifts
• §  Acts of Service
• §  Physical Touch

On some instances the process is organic and seems flawless. Other times, when conflict or social challenges arise, the languages are powerful tools to guide us in the process of being translators and facilitators of the process of getting to know each other better and potentially become friends.

Book: The Five Love Languages of Children. Dr. Gary Chapman

THE POWER OF WORDS: Words elicit emotional responses in others that influence their thinking and behavior.

By observing ourselves, our actions and our choice of words; we become aware of the power we have to influence others. Understanding that every moment of our life is meaningful and reinforces our values and beliefs as individuals and as members of the community is both shocking and enlightening at the same time. Being conscious of our words and the methods we use is our responsibility, especially as teachers and parents. Every sentence that comes out of our mouth reinforces an idea. 


What kind of thinking and behavior are we reinforcing today with our language? 


1. Awareness is the first step. Keep a journal, record your voice with a tape recorder or take a video of the children reactions with a video camera while interacting with children. Believe me, it is a painful process for your ego but a wonderful learning experience. Then, identify the words or sentences that are not consistent with your thinking or philosophy. 


2. Find alternatives for the words that send a mix message or reinforce the wrong idea. Think about different ways to communicate your idea, and the meaning they have for the person receiving your message. 


3.  Practice, test, observe and go back to step 1. 

How do the principles of Slow apply to children and how do you raise your own kids?

I think children need slowness even more than adults do. It’s in those moments of quiet, of unstructured time, of boredom even, that kids learn how to look into themselves, how to think and be creative, how to socialize. We are doing a great disservice to our children by pushing them so hard to learn things earlier and earlier and by keeping them so busy. They need time and space to slow down, to play, to be children. Across the world, parents, politicians, adults in general are so anxious about children nowadays that we have become too interventionist and too impatient; we don’t allow them enough freedom. My wife and I give our children lots of time to play on their own. We resist the temptation to enroll them in too many extracurricular activities. We limit the time they spend sitting in front of computer screens and using technology, so that they run around outdoors and invent their own play. We also don’t try to push them to learn academic things before they are ready. And so far the results have been good. I hope it continues!
Carl Honoré: In praise of slowness

Individual Styles

People differ from one another in the ways they approach a new situation. What are the causes of our behavioral differences if we are all human in nature? Is it our mind? Is it our personality? Is it our emotions? Is it the situation itself? Is it the people around us?


Each individual has a unique perspective of each situation which produces a distinctive conduct. Every moment is an active valid exploration: jumping right in the middle of the action, observing and analyzing from the distance or waiting for the perfect moment to get involved..

As teachers and parents, it is important to be aware and to respect each child’s individual style when dealing with the unexpected or while submerging in a new experience.

I think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to shift paradigms.

"Now that I'm older and arguably wiser, people sometimes ask me for that "one piece of advice." Usually, it involves stepping into someone else's perspective and seeing things from their viewpoint. With each year that passes, I find myself doing that more and more, leading me to dole out that piece of advice more frequently.

You see, there is no truth or ultimate reality. There is only our perception of it. We have a lens we see the world through. And everyone else has his or her own lens. Paradigm shifts happen when we suddenly see reality through another lens, and the best way I've found to do that is to try to understand what another person's view of reality looks like." Gord Hotchkiss (Search Insider)

As I was reading this article, I thought one of the most important roles of teachers and parents is being paradigm shifters. The starting point is to understand the child’s perception to support this process in their own terms. By tuning in to the child's perception, we model the exact behavior we expect from them. Next, we can verbalize our thinking process saying: “We sometimes have different opinions or ideas, and that is OK.”

Emergent Curriculum: Using children interests and motivations to create the curriculum

Click here to see video Emergent Curriculum

An overview of emergent curriculum, what it is, how it works, etc.

Natural & Logical Consequences

Reward and punishment deny children the opportunity to make their own decisions and to be responsible for their own behavior. Natural and logical consequences do the opposite -- they require children to be responsible for self. Natural consequences allow children to learn from the natural order of the physical world (e.g. I only picked at my lunch, now it’s outside time and I am hungry). Logical consequences allow children to learn from the reality of the social order. A consequence must be seen by the child as logical in order for it to be effective.

The purpose of using consequences instead of punishment is to motivate children to make responsible decisions, not to force their submission. A teacher cannot use consequences successfully if she has any hidden motives. In disciplining, a teacher must be both firm and kind. Firmness refers to the follow-through, and kindness refers to the manner in which the choice is presented. Two good rules of thumb are consistency, and talk less/act more. When you do things for children that they can do for themselves, you are robbing them of self-respect and responsibility.

Created by: Robin Mcconnell

KEY EMOTIONAL LIFE SKILLS

This particular list I chose to include because it is written with regard to humans of all ages, not only young children.

* Self awareness
One of the basic emotional skills involves being able to recognize feelings and put a name on them. It is also important to be aware of the relationship between thoughts, feelings and actions. What thought sparked off that feeling? What feeling was behind that action?

* Managing emotions
It is important to realize what is behind feelings. Beliefs have a fundamental effect on the ability to act and on how things are done. Many people continually give themselves negative messages. Hope can be a useful asset. In addition, finding ways to deal with anger, fear, anxiety and sadness is essential: learning how to soothe oneself when upset, for example. Understanding what happens when emotions get the upper hand and how to gain time to judge if what is about to be said or done in the heat of the moment is really the best thing to do. Being able to channel emotions to a positive end is a key aptitude.

* Empathy
Getting the measure of a situation and being able to act appropriately requires understanding the feelings of the others involved and being able to take their perspective. It is important to be able to listen to them without being carried away by personal emotions. There's a need to be able to distinguish between what others do or say and personal reactions and judgements.

* Communicating
Developing quality relationships has a very positive effect on all involved. What feelings are being communicated to others? Enthusiasm and optimism are contagious as are pessimism and negativity. Being able to express personal concerns without anger or passivity is a key asset.

* Co-operation
Knowing how and when to take the lead and when to follow is essential for effective cooperation. Effective leadership is not built on domination but the art of helping people work together on common goals. Recognizing the value of the contribution of others and encouraging their participation can often do more good than giving orders or complaining. At the same time, there is a need to take responsibilities and recognize the consequences of decisions and acts and follow through on commitments.

* Resolving conflicts
In resolving conflicts there is a need to understand the mechanisms at work. People in conflict are generally locked into a self-perpetuating emotional spiral in which the declared subject of conflict is rarely the key issue. Much of the resolution of conflicts calls on using the other emotional skills mentioned here.

Provided by: Robin Mcconnell